Unf*ck Your Brain

I am a single pringle. I'm at a point now where I'm loving it, but don't get me wrong I had to go through the icky stage. You know what I mean - the days on the sofa staring blankly at the TV in your PJ's wondering if you can go another day without washing your hair, eating everything or nothing, whilst he posts about all his exciting adventures peacocking all over the place. The sadness and hope turned to anger which turned to acceptance which has now become a nice "meh". You know? Like, good luck to you I genuinely hope you're happy but I don't care enough anymore to ask. Which is great. Weirdly I feel like this is a genuine kind of love that was lacking in our relationship, where I want his happiness even though I'm not a part of it. Something I don't think we were able to give each other when we were actually together - and so now, I am a single pringle and loving it. The best part? You learn so much about yourself from a break up.

And I had a mind blowing moment of realisation! For years I never understood why once I developed feelings for a man I would lose confidence. Up until this realisation I had spent my life gaining confidence in all areas, dating, work, family, friends, physically, yet I felt like confidence in a relationship seemed to evade me and I couldn't work out why. I'd made peace with past hurts, forgiven people, I wasn't holding on to anyone. Then I listened to this podcast, Unf*ck Your Brain, and I couldn't recommend Kara Loewentheil  enough. She doesn't just give you sayings you can sew onto a pillowcase/print on a T Shirt, telling you obvious truth's that you already know, but explains it in a logical way where you go "Oh it's that obvious! Of course" and you finally deep-down believe it all! You finally understand what all those annoying pictures of sunsets with sayings on them are trying to tell you - but without the pretentiousness. And for me the poignant one was 

"Someone elses actions are not about you."

Mindblown. How did it take me 25 years to accept this? Because I took it personally when my Mum shouted at me when I was a child, I took it personally when someone didn't like me or want to be my friend in school, I took it personally when they would bitch about me, and then I took it personally when a guy would be grumpy/want alone time/stop giving so many compliments and revert back to normal behaviour post-Honeymoon period. When really it wasn't about me. It was their realities, they reacted to things based on their pasts, thoughts, current circumstances etc. Half the time the thing's we assume are about us aren't at all we've just had paranoid thoughts, and when the person does use us as 'the reason' for why they act a certain way, we still aren't to blame. Know why?

Because thoughts create emotions which create action.

So their thoughts on a situation stimulates certain emotions which they then react to. A perfect example could be that you read a partner's Whatsapp message, but for whatever reason didn't reply. Your reality could be that you were incredibly busy and thought you'd answer later when you could give it proper attention. Their reality could be that you don't prioritise them and have purposefully ignored them. They then become hurt and angry and send you a message calling off your date that evening. To you this is a somewhat extreme reaction - it's been ten minutes, you'll get to it! But this is their reality - it could be based off of an ex who used to manipulate them emotionally or insecurities they haven't told you about. Whatever the reason, and it's not your business to know, they are responsible for their emotions and actions. Which leads us to an incredibly freeing follow up point:

You are not responsible for their happiness.

And here it was. Something I'd heard for years and knew to be true but never believed. It suddenly clicked inside me - I really wasn't responsible for their happiness! Whenever an ex acted spoilt/wanted time alone/reacted in a way that wasn't fair to me in my mind, it had nothing to do with me. That's on them, it's not my responsibility to fix them or their problems. I realised that for years I would take their issues upon myself to sort out, weather they wanted me to or not. I took it upon myself to work out what I'd done to upset them and work out how to make them happy again when all these things were out of my control. You could be the smartest/sweetest/funniest/most gorgeous person on the planet but if their thoughts are against you, they created that reality and it's not on you to change that - it's on them. At the end of the day we alone can choose to be mindful, change our realities. We decide how to view things, react to things, and weather or not to follow stories created by insecurities and paranoia. Because paranoia is natural - it's how our ancestors survived in caveman times after all. But being able to distinguish between genuine danger and a silly thought being spun into a tall tale is a skill that needs practice and something only we can do for ourselves. 

A partner should bring value to your life and you to theirs. By all means people go through hard times and when you care about someone of course you want to be there for them and them for you. But you need to find that balance and draw the line on what's your business and what isn't - and above all to not take any of it personally. Easier said than done when you respect someone and care for them, but put it into practice.
Maybe next time someone upsets you, be it a partner, a friend or someone in the coffee line at Starbucks, pause and remember - they could be having a rough day, they may have had bad news, there is always a reason for their defensive/attacking behaviour. It's not me, this is them. And you may find you tend to sympathize more. We all know what it's like to feel drained, like there's a weight on our shoulders and we're finding it difficult to keep it together. So in honour of those patronising sentences that we all know are true but sometimes find hard to believe, just remember:

Hurt people, hurt people.

I'm talking to another guy and he ignored me for a week. The old me would have gone into meltdown, analysing every message, trying to work out what I said that would have pushed him away, asking everyone if it's best to ignore him back or message him apologizing. But now? I just left it. Because I was just being me and if that's been taken badly that's not my problem. I assumed positively of him - perhaps he was busy or something's happened that desperately needed his attention. I thought if he came to me and said I'd hurt his feelings somehow of course I'd be apologetic but I'd explain whatever I actually meant and then it would be on him how he takes that. If he contacted and didn't acknowledge his lack of contact and half heartedly asked to see me again, I'd call it off (because I'm not in any rush to settle with just anyone and want someone to be excited to see me not just have me there for when they're bored). But, as I assumed, something happened that needed his attention - a friend had fallen ill and he rushed to hospital to see him. The thought did cross my mind "Well he still could have messaged" but I reminded myself 

a) this isn't a relationship

b) him not messaging wasn't about me, his focus was understandably elsewhere

And you know what? I feel a hell of a lot better thinking this way. Yes it takes practice and those thoughts I used to have still slip in, I still feel the urge to analyse messages and make sure I came across okay, but I ignore it. I know it comes from a good place of wanting to bring happiness to someone, but I also know that it's not my place to make that my soul focus. And I feel so much free-er for it. Now I feel so happy, I feel like I have gained time, that I have more choice of where to put my focus and I have my sparkle back.
And my break up? I've come to see break up's as a really good thing - something that once terrified me has a new meaning. I used to see it as you're unwanted/unlovable/feel devalued - like even though in my head I knew it didn't diminish my value I didn't feel it in my heart, didn't really believe in it. Whereas now I see it as someone who brings negativity to your life or at least no added value, leaving and making room for you to bring more love/happiness into your life, and opening the door for someone else more on your level to join you. It doesn't mean you're worthless or even necessarily that they're bad people - it just didn't work. They're not your puzzle piece and that's okay. Thank you, goodbye, move on.