Player One Has Left The Game

I remember only a couple of years ago Tinder was at the forefront of all our social diaries. Multiple dates a week, comparing Tinder profiles with friends, it was even our procrastinating session - just lazing on the sofa swiping our lives away. And yet now we don't see the fun in it - in fact everyone I talk to just thinks it's a bit seedy. Somewhat false. That it's just a game and not a good way to bring romance into your reality. And this got me thinking - are we, finally, past playing games when it comes to dating?

Well Tinder, the online hook up game is clearly on it's way out. But what about the other dating games we play? I recently found myself declaring that I'm bored of playing games and am preferring to be natural, as whoever I'm dating may as well know the real me anyway. And other people agree. It seems most of us are bored at pretending to be someone we're not, or talking in ways that don't feel natural, pretending to be nonchalant and chilled when really we want to lock down plans or are feeling fed up. What's wrong with what's real anyway? Nobody falls in love with the fake us (the super positive, laid back, nothing-ever-goes-wrong-super-happy us). Sure they like that person to start off with, but it's impossible to sustain and eventually those little quirks you have that you think will drive them away is what they come to appreciate about you. So why play the games in the first place?  I think it's clear: insecurity. 

We've been made to think that to get one another we have to leave it just as long as they left it to text you when texting back, if not longer. That men call first and 2 days after the first date. That you should post a few pictures of you out having fun, but not too many - you want them to think you have an active, busy life but not that you're a social media freak. We're told that we should cancel or rearrange at least one date to keep them on their toes. Not to sleep with them until date #3. Find something interesting for the first date, but not too out there and nothing with food - just in case it's boring and you need to escape. OK the first date with no food I still stand by. But this list alone is ridiculous and I could go on listing! We think these petty things, that the other person probably doesn't even notice or think about, is what keeps them attracted to us. That if women don't put out that's the only way to keep a man interested long enough to genuinely like you for who you are. That if you respond to their message straight away you look needy. OH MY GOODNESS! Just thinking about it is draining! How about if you're not busy and you're scrolling through Facebook and they text and you want to, answer them. Don't count the minutes, don't ignore it then post about being out when you're really in your jammies eating pizza. Just answer. And if you want to talk to them first, it's okay to initiate conversation. Really! 

I know it's natural to put our best selves forward when we meet someone. But I think there's a difference between that and a lack of honesty/playing games. Playing games is a manipulation of a person's perception of you. Lacking honesty means you're purposefully hiding a part of yourself or lying about being a person you're not - pretending to be something you aren't. Why?! Even thinking about it selfishly it makes no sense - that will not get you the right kind of person for you! Just be yourself. I'm not saying you have to go all in on political rants and your OCD over shirt labels from the off but if a situation comes up where it gets shown - own it don't hide it. We've all been in those relationships where a couple of months down the line it's as if their real selves come out - it's as if you've been with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You feel like you've become attached to someone not compatible with yourself which makes it all the more harder to finish it with them. And weather you finish it or they do, and it's two months or two years down the line, if you fell for someone they pretended to be rather than who they are, it will end. 

Personally, I think there's nothing wrong with being you. If you're not as chilled out about plans as they are and prefer to lock down a date and time, well honey you best let them know or that could be a problem. You're a man with a plan, nothing wrong with that. If you tend to forget someone texted you three hours ago and then you respond - own it. If it's a problem you can discuss it and see if there's a way of meeting in the middle. But don't respond the way they do only to revert back to your natural ways, it's just confusing for the other person and causes issues down the line. And me? I messaged this guy I went on a date with to say we'd been messaging for a month since with no date number 2 - and that it seemed he was too busy to date and I wanted to know where I stood. Was it nerve wracking - oh completely. It went against all the "dating rules". I wasn't playing the chilled out girl who's so busy she didn't even notice. And the verdict? He replied apologising profusely for seeming distant, explained he's been busy and that he wanted to see me again. A response I wasn't expecting - he certainly didn't owe me an explanation. And so we're now meeting tomorrow - four days after my text. Either way it was a win win situation. I got the response I wanted, and if he had gotten funny with me I'd have known he wouldn't be right for me because of my straight forward attitude clashing with his. So I got the confirmation I needed that playing games just prolongs the inevitable - and most importantly I realised how empowering and natural it felt to be myself. And not only be myself, but know that I am busy and my entire focus wasn't on my lack of date #2 and I didn't need to push that on him, because I was comfortable in knowing that myself.